Where to even begin?
Well since my last post, The One Who Affects Me Like No Other, both men who were mentioned in it have officially lost their respective titles. Nothing dramatic occurred except inside me, and it feels like that chapter of my life that included both of them is finally complete.
I got invited to go away for a weekend in Muskoka which I needed more than I thought. I loved it so much. I don't often go away because I'd rather work most times, and I'm not always in the mood for humans to be quite honest. But I agreed to go because it just felt right, and I decided to use my time away in nature to get my heart, mind and soul untangled from the man mentioned in my previous post.
Initially my goal was the opposite. I wanted our connection. I wanted things to feel okay again. I wanted resolution through a conversation with him, to which he agreed, and it was set for this past weekend.
I needed closure regarding what happened back in November, and I thought (and hoped) that we could heal the past together, and that things would finally be the way I wanted them to be: sane. I didn't want him as my partner or lover; I just wanted things to make sense for once. A tall order I suppose, given our history.
A year of back and forth followed by 6 months of silence had definitely taken its toll, and I wanted relief from the unanswered questions, the replaying of the past in my head, and the pain that our 6 month gap in communication created.
I wanted to make things right, despite knowing that they could never be, really, because it would require one of us to be something that we're not. But I wanted it nonetheless. And I still wanted an emotionally available and sensitive response to my heart because that's what I deserved, and for whatever reason, I had yet to accept that I would never get it from this particular man.
Until this time.
After our recent connection it was only a matter of days before I was reminded of why I bailed every time and why we stopped talking so long ago. If I kept things simple and superficial, it was game on. But if I made things real, it was game over. I had wasted so much time engaging on this basic level and feeling addicted to our strange dynamic that I couldn't get a proper guage on the insanity of it all. The consequence of this was the striking void of a genuine exchange that was nothing but an insult to my spirit, and a year and a half of confusion laced with intense moments of pleasure.
There was no real depth and true beauty between us, like I once believed, save for what I applied to our connection. Interesting how I attributed substance and meaning to something that didn't naturally possess those qualities. I filled my heart and mind with things that reflected me more than the reality of things, I suppose. When you are deep, you add depth. How could it be different?
Still, I was more addicted to him than any other. I may never understand why. Maybe it was just that time in my life. Maybe there really was something to it. And maybe I was just like every other person who was simply hung up on the wrong one because there was something inside me that needed what was offered. In the end, who cares. What matters is that my need for resolution through him finally dissolved. The hook was gone and I was free.
So I cancelled our chat before I headed to the Muskokas, and I upon returning, I knew that phone call would no longer be necessary. No need to reschedule. After a fun, reflective and insightful weekend away, things were no longer the same. I saw everything clearly. I saw him clearly. And that is where our story ends.
My questions were answered...not through him, but inside me. He was not required. The truth had always been present, and now I was finally ready to accept it. After that moment of awakening, my world changed. I let it all go. I released him fully and gained my freedom.
We have not connected since, and it's possible we never will. The pull is no longer present, which was the only thing that led me to him. With that gone, what's left?
All that remains is a lightness of being that has shifted everything. I feel like a brand new woman with a brand new life, freed from my past and open to all possibilities. No longer consumed by thoughts of what happened or the need to change a thing about it, I have stepped into my new world with a smile and I haven't looked back since.
My dream of meeting my one and only is ever-present, but my only goal is the truth. I intend to follow my heart and intuition to whatever person or experience it leads me to, no matter what that looks like. I may not be led to the one, but I will be taken where I need to go, and that is good enough for me.
I trust myself. I trust life. I trust that at every moment I am exactly where I need to be and who I need to be with.
If that isn't freedom, I don't know what is.