Saturday, January 21, 2012
Life Rocks When You Don't Hate Yourself
Cheers from the other side of inner hell.
Before I tell you all about my new world of self-loving, let me tell you about the major shift that occurred for me on January 3rd. I did start to write about it the next day in a blog entitled The Day That Changed My Life, but it was hard to finish because there was just so much awesomeness concentrated into my experience that putting words to it seemed useless and wholly inadequate. Here is some of what I wrote on January 4th however, followed by tonight's thoughts on the subject.
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January 4, 2012
Yesterday my life changed. Not just a little, but completely. And it made me weep.
I cried at least ten times during the course of the day...not because I was sad, but because I saw the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life and I will never be the same again.
I saw myself as I truly am, beneath the self-hatred that has blinded me to my own beauty (both inner and outer) for most of my life. I honestly couldn't believe my eyes. I saw the most beautiful woman in the world. I saw the one I have been searching for my whole life. I saw the magnificent being who was here all along, the one whom others celebrated while I criticized, the one who was never good enough (in my eyes at least) but somehow managed to impress those around her.
It was an overwhelming moment...that moment of recognition and complete awareness. I'm crying right now just thinking about it. It's like I finally saw what everyone else has been seeing for years. And I was amazed. Amazed that it took so long for me to see it. What took me so long? And I was amazed that I had been so cruel to myself for so many years. I certainly didn't deserve it. Why had I been so cruel? Why did I abuse myself by the hour with all those awful thoughts? Why on earth did I for one second think that I wasn't good enough? Why did I have to spend my entire life feeling like I was bad and evil and unworthy and ugly and overweight when I was never any of these things? Why, no matter what I did, no matter what I achieved, no matter who commended me or how others perceived me, could I not appreciate all that I am and all I had done? Why did it count for nothing? When would it count for something? When would I matter to myself?
How tragic is it that at 35, I am only beginning to appreciate myself. Of course I have had select moments along the way that I did not hate myself, but they were rare. And even up until a month or so ago, I still had many moments of just wanting to die because I honestly felt and believed I was the worst person on the planet. My view of myself was so skewed and I was so brutally hard on myself that I just couldn't take it some days. I wanted relief from the constant torture I was inflicting upon myself but I was scarcely aware of the drill sergeant that lived inside my head. She was so familiar and I believed everything she said.
I couldn't find a reason or a way to forgive myself for all the ways I felt I failed at life; especially as a mother. My list of transgressions was long, and when you have someone tallying your every mistake on a daily basis (which I was more than happy to do), well it's kind of hard to feel great about anything for long. It's what I grew up with and naturally I created the same environment internally. We all do. But because of that, I missed out on some wonderful things along the way, namely, a loving relationship with myself.
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Back to present time...
Well it's been a few weeks now and I am still feeling incredible and words still cannot do my experience justice. Just imagine waking up with a smile every morning, feeling relaxed throughout the day, loving what you see when you look in the mirror, getting long, solid sleeps, laughing for no reason, repeatedly saying wonderful things to your new best friend (yourself) and meaning it, feeling proud of who you are, grateful for all that you have, and excited when another day arrives. That is what my world consists of now. True story. And I freaking LOVE it!
When the veil of self-hatred dissolved, what remained was all that truly mattered. My true self. And once I was in alignment with her, I was in alignment with everything. I stopped being so reactive at home with Paige, I stopped pulling all-nighters to work online, I stopped ignoring my body's needs for adequate rest, and I started sleeping each night. I started trusting I could let things go. I started seeing that I really do have everything I need, and I started to relax.
Then money started to flow (I got 4 cheques and another big one is on the way), my home has been immaculate (with very little effort), and my insecurities over past relationships just fell away.
Another thing that I've noticed is that as my self-worth increases, so does my intolerance for the poverty I had been so accustomed to (read about my journey towards wealth in Got Her Mind On Her Money). I have realized that my perceived lack of financial wealth was in direct proportion to my perceived lack of self-worth. No wonder I had difficulty accumulating money in the past. I hated myself. Sure I did and continue to do great work in the world, but as long as I felt unworthy, undeserving and not good enough, how the hell was I supposed to draw money to myself? How could I charge what I was worth when I was completely out of touch with it? There was a block and the block was me. It has taken me a long time to peel away the layers that prevented me from seeing myself as I am and to get to this point of self-acceptance. It's a daily exercise, hourly even, as I replace all that junk I accumulated growing up. We all have it, some more than others, and we all have the power to change the tapes.
We are all magnificent but hardly any of us know it. We've been taught not to see it by the world and people around us. A case of the blind leading the blind and what we end up with is a world in pain. Beautiful beings tolerating awful things because they mistakenly believe they deserve it.
Every addiction, dysfunction and neurosis originates from the same place: a feeling of being unworthy and not good enough. It's our separation from our true selves and our true nature, that results in painful relationships, poverty, ill health and more. When we are aligned, we have it all. We are in touch with what feels good and we honour ourselves enough to stay away from the things and people that don't. When we love ourselves, we no longer criticize ourselves. We treat ourselves right. We are no longer drawn to those who abuse us and we no longer accept less than we deserve. That is the mark of a truly powerful person.
Although I believe we are all born in fullness, life's experiences can often shadow it. When that happens, it can take us years, even lifetimes, to find our way back. But sometimes, it can happen in an instant.
So here's to the new life I started living this month because life really does feel brand new. I feel brand new. I feel like I met myself for the first time on January 3, 2012 and boy am I awesome!
And you know what? Considering that depression had been a constant in my life for most of my life and just two months ago I hated myself so much that I wished I was dead, going weeks without one heavy down day is pretty freaking awesome. I just feel good, like all the time. Everything in my life has been balancing out and it's just a dream come true. This is what I have wanted all my life. To feel good enough. And now I do because I know the truth. I am good enough, I am enough, and I am perfect as I am.
And in case no one has told you lately, you are too.
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